Reflecting on my journey, I recall how I was inundated with tales of people flocking to the USA and reaping financial success, a narrative echoed by my parents who had never ventured beyond the confines of their village. Despite being surrounded by such aspirations, I couldn’t help but feel insignificant, dwarfed by the lofty achievements of others. The idea of going to the USA seemed like an unattainable dream, reserved for those more capable than myself.
Admittedly, I never harbored grand dreams of my own. Unsure of how I wanted to shape my life, I only knew what I didn’t want — to follow in my father’s footsteps and toil away as a tailor in a city shop. While pursuing my bachelor’s degree, I aspired to become a lecturer at a junior college, enticed by the notion of respectability and a promising salary. However, landing my first job at an engineering college after completing my masters stirred conflicting emotions within me. Although I was thrilled to be recognized for my education and offered a monthly salary, there was a nagging sense of discontent — a feeling of settling for less when bigger aspirations loomed on the horizon.
Leaving that job soon after I started, despite numerous failed attempts at securing employment elsewhere, I found myself grappling with my shortcomings. My time at the University of Hyderabad, pursuing an M.Sc Tech program, exposed my deficiencies in English proficiency and social interaction, leaving me feeling inadequate in a field that demanded fluency. Struggling through basic computer science classes and grappling with coding, I faced failure after failure.
Over the next decade, I persevered in academia, navigating through periods of profound unhappiness and fleeting moments of productivity. Despite my struggles, I found solace in the pursuit of knowledge and the academic circles I inhabited. However, the elusive quest for a fulfilling career remained, leaving me to ponder my future prospects teaching physics at a modest college.
Amidst these challenges, the allure of romantic relationships beckoned, yet my socio-economic circumstances precluded any meaningful connections. As the years passed, I revisited these desires with a newfound perspective.
My recent visits to the USA for conferences provided insights into the country’s commercial ethos and societal disparities. While I marveled at the intellect of its inhabitants, I couldn’t shake the feeling of being out of place amidst its materialistic culture. Europe, on the other hand, offered a more laid-back lifestyle, where people savored life’s simple pleasures and took leisure time seriously. Despite my experiences abroad, I found myself yearning for the familiarity and expressiveness of my homeland, India.
In retrospect, my journey has been one of self-discovery and resilience, marked by moments of despair and fleeting glimpses of hope.
